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TOPIC: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site.

"Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 20 Jul 2001 19:26 #1885

  • Mike
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I went to Avalon's web site and found this absolutely hysterical. I want to add this to my theatre site. The one I would have added is: right after the "worst movie" is the next person who said... "That was the best movie I have ever seen!"

THINGS WE'VE HEARD AND THINGS WE'VE
PUT UP WITH

"That was the worst movie I have ever seen in my life."
-Regular customer commenting on For Ever Mozart

“You suck. All you have is descriptions of movies that aren’t even real.”
-Adolescent on the answering machine.

“You show art films? Like Men in Black?”
-Customer new to, well, this planet.

“Can you rewind and play the first few minutes over again?”
-Customer query during an intermission.

“Get a bigger auditorium. I like big theaters.”
-Comment from customer after asking why the seats were so far apart.

“Are you an Act 3 theater?”
-Customer question, seconds before their death.

“When are you going to do a classic pornography retrospective?”
-Customer suggested programming, before being told, “We don’t have a pornograph.”

“Violence is ok. We just don’t want nudity or bad language.”
-Customers, shortly before being directed to an Act 3 theater.

“I’m sure most kids would clean up after themselves.”
-Customer (with no experience with children) responding to being told that we do not play
children’s programs because of the mess afterwards.

“You stole my idea. I was going to build an art theater in Corvallis.”
-Customer comment seconds before being chased down the street by Paul with a framing
hammer.

“You need to pull those damned seats out and put in sofas.”
-A good customer suggestion we couldn’t get past the Fire Department.

“Have you thought about putting in hot tubs where the seats are?”
-Another great suggesting from a customer with no capitol.

“Do you ever play movies with a bestiality theme?”
-Question from customer out walking his dog.

“Can we take the sofa (in the lobby) into the auditorium? We’re really
tired.”
-A couple of customers who looked like they had nothing resembling sleep in mind.

“Why don’t you move this theater into the Whiteside?”
-Customer recently forgetting their medication.

“When are you going to put in another screen?”
-A customer with lots of optimism.

“Interesting you built a theater when there are empty theaters in town.”
-Inspector whose point we ignored.

“I’ll be your best customer. I'm so glad you’re doing this and I really hope
you make it. Can I get in for free? I missed the first ten minutes of the
show.”
-Clueless individual who left rather than pay.

“I think it’s awful you don’t give senior discounts.”
-Customer who arrived in a new, $40,000 Cadillac.

“Can you adjust the sound so this is in English?”
-Customer who didn’t speak French.

“I only watched half the movie. Can I have half my money back?”
-Half-wit customer.

“What the hell were you thinking?”
-Paul, to himself, every night on the way home.

“I bet if you sold beer, no one would tell.”
-Customer already really well-lit.

“You should see if Act 3 would pay you to run commercials for their
theaters before your shows.”
-Customer unclear on the concept.

“You should run an ad (for the Avalon) in the pre-show program at 9th
Street Cinema.”
-A friend who is now a manager of an Act 3 theater.

“Since the Fire Department won’t let you put up curtains [in the auditorium
to deaden sound], you should just line the walls with coat hooks and have
everyone hang a garment up. The effect would be about the same.”
-A customer who will go far in this world.

“And during summer you could have “Nude Day” to get people to hang up
their clothes on the wall.”
-Another customer who will go far in the Clinton cabinet.

“(Hysterical laughter) You mean this actually works?!? (More hysterical
laughter)”
-Fellow projectionist after seeing the Avalon projection booth for the first time.

“Stupid mutha f%?ing, son of a b*%^&, @#@$%, ass%$#$%&!”
-Paul, an hour before show time after opening the late-arriving film cans to discover the
previous projectionist put the heads and tails on the wrong reels.

“You need to go to THX Dolby, SDDS sound in your theater.”
-Customer just before being told a new battery for his hearing aid is substantially less that
the $23,000 for the sound system.

“You sure make fun of people a lot.”
-Customer about to reminded that Paul makes fun of himself just as much.

“Would you have still built this place if you knew how much **** the city
was going to give you?”
-Fellow business person, just before being told, “Yes, but I would have done it under the
influence.”

“If this place went tits-up tomorrow, I wouldn’t regret doing it. The people
who have come in and the community support has been great. Even the
bureaucrats found a way for me to comply to all their rules. The Avalon
Cinema renewed my faith that people want more than the Spice World or
Dumb and Dumber when they go to see a film.”
-Paul, answering a question directly, for a chang

Avalon Cinema, 160 NW Jackson St., Corvallis, OR 97330
(541) 752-4161 - This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
Michael Hurley
Impresario
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Re: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 20 Jul 2001 20:13 #1886

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Paul: these should have been your t shirt!

How about this one...my all time favorite:

A woman ask where can she fill a cup with water and we said: "the ladies room" as there is no sink behind the counter. She says "From the toilet?!!"



Mike Hurley
www.bigscreenbiz.com
Michael Hurley
Impresario
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Re: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 20 Jul 2001 21:01 #1887

  • Avalon
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So many new ones have passed over my counter since those. Thanks for posting those. Brings back memories of when summers were so dead I closed. Makes things look rosier now! . . . . Mike, as far as the toilet lady goes -- I'da handed her another cup and a nakin and said, "Toilet water is safe if you filter thru the napkin into the other cup." Ok, I wouldn't have, but I sure would'a thought it.
Paul Turner
Avalon Cinema
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Re: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 21 Jul 2001 22:19 #1888

" Do you have a VCR big enough to play that?"- Customer unclear of what film is after seeing a print being escorted across the lobby in clamps
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Re: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 22 Jul 2001 22:52 #1889

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We had "TWO THUMBS UP!" - A Knights Tale on our marquee, and had numerous patrons ask what time it was playing and who was starring in it??? Or how about the idiots that call our message machine, listen all the way thru each movie/showtimes and then call our theatre office to find out what is showing. Duh, they just spent 2 minutes listening to the info.
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Re: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 23 Jul 2001 12:19 #1890

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Those were all very funny but I particularly liked the one about the curtains and the coats as well as the one that referred to "Men In Black" as an art film. Eeeegads!
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Re: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 25 Jul 2001 14:38 #1891

Nothing has changed in the 35yrs that I have
owned and operated a single screen theatre. The public is the same on the East coast. I wish the Avalon, much sucess and long lines at the BO...

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Re: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 28 Jul 2001 23:04 #1892

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A woman was recently in my theatre (second run discount) telling me how much she liked "The Mummy Returns" and complaining about the prices at our local first run AMC plex.

"It was terrible" she said. "AMC has raised the matinee price to all seats $5.00. For the four of us it cost us $20.00 for admission and another $25.00 for food. If the prices hadn't been so high, we'd have seen Mummy there 3 or 4 times instead of just twice.

(SHE DIDNT COME TO SEE IT AT MY THEATRE ON SECOND RUN!)
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Re: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 29 Jul 2001 11:41 #1893

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How about the old kick in the teeth typical phone call which goes something like this:

Theater person: Brunswick Cinema, may I help you?

Caller: Is this the Brunswick Cinema?

Theater person:Yes, this is the Brunswick Cinema.

Caller:What time are you showing Jurassic Park III?

Theater person: I'm sorry we don't have Jurassic Park III yet. We do have Shrek, Final Fantasy and Bridget Jones's Diary playing. Would like showtimes for any of these?

Caller: No. Isn't this the Brunswick Cinema?

Theater person: Yes it is.

Caller: Is there another theater in Brunswick?

Theater person: Yes, there is the Hickory Ridge Regal.

Caller: Do you have their phone number?

Theater person: No I'm sorry I don't.

Click.

Of course there is the variant:

Usually heard in the background after the previous conversation: Mom, that was the cheap theater!!!!!!#########
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Re: "Things we've heard" from Avalon Theatre's web site. 30 Jul 2001 09:47 #1894

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"We normally prefer to go to the Local Drive-In (about 5 miles up the road). We only came here because they didn't have anything showing at the Drive In that we wanted to see."
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